I love roller derby. I love that for once a week I don't feel so alone. I'm not sure how the rest of you feel but I feel pretty alone most of the time. Even in a group I feel alone. I'm not sure why but it is just my truth. I'm the listener not the talker. Even when I want to talk I never seem to find a listener. I seem to have a role to play in this world and it usually involves me listening or being invisible.
Derby is different. At derby I feel like I belong just as I am. I don't have to pretend to be outgoing. I don't have to pretend to be weak. I don't have to hide. Derby requires me to show all sides of myself. I can't improve and get closer to passing the minimum skills test unless I'm honest about where in skill mastery I am. I can't learn to jump in skates unless my teammates see me falling. It is actually pretty freeing to have a place where I can really just be.
I started the year off with what I thought was solid group of friends by June I was alone. Derby came into my life at the right time. I wish it was derby everyday so that I could be me everyday. I want to feel less alone. Every Thursday I belong. Every Thursday I fit in. Every Thursday I feel needed and wanted. I feel like if I missed derby Thursday, my derby sisters would miss me. I wish it was derby everyday.