No one to dance with

So this has nothing to do with dancing and everything to do with my crazy. You have been warned, read at your own risk, yep, I make very little sense.

Okay so the heart of the matter is a lack of self confidence. I don't think I am very attractive. I don't take complements well. I feel like an old fat ugly cow.

According to DH, I am simply nuts, unobservant, and my biggest problem, I am a woman. DH says that all women question whether or not they are attractive or sexy. I'm not sure what goes on in other women's heads, I just know mine and I spend a majority of the day thinking I look awful.

So like all good scientist, DH asked for my proof that I provided the following:

1. No one outside of DH complements me
DH's Rebuttal- men are too afraid of him to even think of saying anything and I am scary with a mean disposition

2. No one jokingly talks about me
DH's Rebuttal - people are afraid of me, when I joke I cut too deep, people are again afraid of him

3. I never catch anyone starring
DH's Rebuttal - I just have no clue what to look for and people are afraid of DH, something about making eye contact with him and the threat of having their eyes removed

So I think the real problem is DH. J/K I love him with everything I have and if never get a complement from another person then I might keep questioning my sexy but I know that DH always sees it.

So exploring the crazy a bit more. Is my issue really a question of feeling like I am stuck with DH? I choose DH and I would chose him again. I mean marriage means making the decision every morning to stick it out and make it work. However, I must admit, hear me out, that I want to know that if tomorrow I decided to leave I would not end up alone. I don't want to pick DH by default.

Some of it comes with age too. We've been married 11 years. When we got married I know I was choosing DH over other guys. There were other dudes that had expressed interest but I wanted DH and truth be told DH was and is the best choice. He has said that I am not his default. There are other options and he chooses me, daily. I know there are plenty of women who would jump in my place. I mean without DH even looking twice, we've had women stalking him. Women are nuts, oh and stay the fuck off of my man!

But back to the point, feeling attractive is about knowing you have options. Lets be honest, I know DH wants me. I know DH would love to do me all day long everyday. I have no doubts that I was and am chosen from the cream of the crop. I want to know that I am doing the same thing. I want to know that I am choosing this and not just settling. Maybe that makes me a bitch or at my core a cheater or whatever you want to call me. I want to know that I am going home with my number one choice not with the only boy that asked.

I am not speaking for anyone but me. I just know that there are days that I feel like I am beautiful and that I am the most beautiful girl in the place and I am going home with the most handsome guy in the room. There are other days that I feel like the most handsome man in the room is pitying me and taking me home for the night. I never said I was sane. I am just putting it out there. Conclusion? I don't have one.

Wordless Wednesday: Ben Caplan and Ravebaby

Fantastic show!

#Mamavation Monday: Mamavation 5k

So this past Saturday I ran the Mamavation Virtual 5k. I had been taking a short break from running trying to give my hip a chance to heal. I was worried I won't be able to actually run the whole thing but I set out to run no matter how close to walking is seemed. Honestly there are times I think I could walk faster than I run but that is neither here nor there.

I was slow but I did get it done. I set out to pace at about 14 min for a mile and when I had finished I was at about 13:30 and my hip was not killing me! I still amazes me how much better I feel after a run.

I did notice that since my abs were hurting from my sultry (stripping) floor dance class that I had better running form. I have a bad habit of slouching once get tired but on Saturday my abs hurt worse if I had bad form so I ran with my head held high.

On Saturday I also received word from SFASU about my application to the Doctorate of Educational Leadership program. When I got the envelope I was sure the answer was no because the envelope was small. I was shaking when I opened it and luckily for me they did not beat around the bush, the first word was congratulations! So they accepted me. I have spent the weekend really think it over and have decided to go for it. I know I will have lots of work ahead of but I am looking forward to the challenge. I also know that now more than ever I need to have a good workout routine. Grad students tend to sit a lot which leads to butt spread and eating lots of fast food. I start in June so I have a few months to get into a regular running schedule. This story is to be continued . . .
This post is sponsored by Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway