Learning that I am worthy

So my struggle to feel worthy of love, respect, anything, is nothing new to anyone who has read my blog with any frequency. In the last few weeks I have found a new avenue for trying to feel worthy. It happened quite by accident and I have TV to blame for it.

The story as follows:
I woke up early one Sunday morning about fours weeks ago and discovered both DD and DH were still asleep. Sunday is my sleep in day so DD usually wakes me up. I was annoyed to be up early on a Sunday but grateful for the "me" time. I've become a fan of the Travel Channel as of late and I turned to find a show I had seen several times before. I don't really like rewatching shows and I settled in for some channel surfing. Why I turned to OWN first I have no clue but I'm glad I did.

On the screen was Oprah speaking to Dr. Brene Brown. The familiar Texas accent kept me from changing the channel immediately. As I watched I began hear real words of wisdom. It wasn't someone who was enlightened and above me trying to tell me about how I should live my life but a down to earth struggling human just like me.

Now I don't do self help books or follow gurus but after Brene's Super Soul Sunday appearance, I have to admit I'm hooked. If you are not familiar with Brene's work, I highly recommend looking up her TED talk. (Actually I linked it at the bottom of this post.). She is a shame researcher. Normally that would have made me run but on that day I listened. Hearing the universal nature of shame and how to move past it so as to learn to feel worthy just spoke to my soul. I checked out Brene's book, Daring Greatly, from the library and devoured it. I am read pretty slowly and between doctoral work assignment all I really want to do is hang with my family but I just could not put the book down.

Who doesn't want to feel worthy? Who doesn't deal with shame on some level? Who would not want to do everything in their power to make sure their child never questions their own worth? So I read. I've seen Brene's TED talks and OWN appearances and I just bought her book The Gifts of Imperfection. I am moving forward to feeling and living like I am worthy and I am enough because I am worthy and I am enough. What I really like about Brene Brown is that she admits she struggles with all of the worthy and shame issues too. As I move forward I know that at the least I know one other person is also struggling on this path, of course Brene's point is we are not alone.

Anyways, at this point I have DH and most of the coffee crew reading Daring Greatly. We are doing a pseudo-reading group. It is amazing feeling like I can talk about shameful things and know that I was never alone in dealing with those things, I was just afraid to be judged for those things.

I highly recommend you look up Dr. Brene Brown. At this point in my life, Brene Brown was the voice I needed to hear. I am vulnerable and my shame in feeling vulnerable has been holding me from really living my life. As part of my doctoral program, we are working towards critical self-reflection. Do you know how vulnerable and naked it feels when talking about your grammar mistakes in front of a group of doctoral students? Or being the ex-teacher who thinks public education is bullshit in a room full of current teachers and principals? It is not a good feeling but I am surviving and I think I am learning that standing out and up for what I believe is actually a good thing. I have no reason to hide me because it am worthy of respect and of my feelings and if I can stand up and dare greatly in sharing my opinions then I might just open another persons eyes to the wonders of unschooling. I know I am totally losing my point with my rambling.

So to conclude go and read some Brene Brown.

18 years and counting

So today, DH and I are celebrating 18 years of being a couple.  We met in high school health class.  The usually boy meets girl.  They become friends and then girl asks boy out and the rest is history.

It has been an amazing adventure with DH.  I could have never predicted our lives today.  When we met all of those years ago we just clicked but honestly we were just friends.  We could just chill and talk.  We went to different colleges several hours apart and seemingly forgot to break-up.  Come December we'll celebrated 12 years of marriage.  Life just has a way of working itself out.

When DH and I first started dating, we would talk about the future in fun not going to be married to you terms.  Who expects to marry their high school sweetheart especially when you are going away to different colleges? We've all heard those stories of long-distance love that grows apart.  We were under no illusion that we would end up together.  DH would talk about naming his sons Mister and Master.  I would laugh at him and tell him he would be lucky to find a woman who would agree to that.  He knows there will be no naming of a son Mister nor Master.  I wanted to be a teacher, plain and simple.  I wanted four kids, maybe five.

So here we are 18 years later.  There is only one child in our lives.  Somedays I wonder why we fought and worked so hard to get a child and then she'll say the right thing and it breaks my heart that she is still an only child.  I would have never pictured being 9 months from turning 35 and with only one child.  I do know that God's timing is perfect.  If I had tried to plan my life it would have been a total mess.  God is in control and while there are days, I know that there is no place else I want to be.  I know to DH the number of children we have does not matter.  One or five as long as we are a happy and together family our size is the least of our concerns.

Having always dreamed of a large family of my own, I have to admit there are days I lose hope.  With the magical ending age of fertility just around the corner, I have to acknowledge that I'm not super cool with the idea of being pregnant after the age of 35.  If we have struggle so much now then surely that door will shut completely then.  I know its not true.  I know it is all in my head and that my being on my period right now, right at the I will be 35+ when I have another baby is just weighting on me.  Age is nothing but a number right?  Still it feels important to say that this was my last chance to be under 35 and have another baby.  Well there is not point crying over an unfertilized egg.  God has a plan and I must just accept and understand that I might not understand the plan for a while.

Today we celebrate 18 years together.  Through thick and thin, richer and poorer, sickness and health, wheat-filled and wheat-free, two dogs to a family with only one and one beautiful blessing of a daughter, I have to say that I would be stupid to question God's timing now.

Goodbye my sweet Jasmin

Our dog Jasmin died yesterday.  She had been involved in a car accident on Friday and Saturday she passed away despite a clear and hopeful diagnoses from the vet.  Devastated does not begin to describe the feeling of losing her.

As you'll recall I've written about Jasmin and our other dog Snoopy before.  I've talked about how adopting them was the step I needed to finally open up to be a mother.  I've heard other pet-parents say it before when they lose a pet, it was not just a pet it was a child.  Not to long ago a friend posted about losing her dog and how it was worse then losing her father.  The pain was that of losing a child.  Yes, we all know it was a pet.  Jasmin was a dog but she was more than a dog to me.

I remember the day I picked up my Jasmin.  Snoopy was so high energy that we decided we needed to find him a playmate.  He interviewed so many different dogs and no one was the right fit until we met Jasmin.  She was so small and thin.  She was newly spaded and had seen her last puppy adopted out.  She was in foster care and her foster mother had posted her on Petfinder and I just happened to find the posting.  Snoopy and Jasmin just belonged together from the first moment they met.  Kismet was a good word for it.

I will miss so much about my Jasmin.  It was so hard yesterday coming home knowing she would not be at the door to greet me.  She had been at the door everyday for just over 6 years.  She had a smile that would melt your heart and yes she did smile.  She was so vocal; I can't recall exactly how many times I would try to shhh her but to no avail.

Jasmin was a street dog before we got her.  Her history before that is unknown.  What we came to discover was that she had been shot and carried buckshot in her body always.  I know she was terrified of storm drains and fireworks put her in an absolute panic.  My girl had a hard life before we got her.  I'm glad that in her last years she was in a happy home and I hope she knew she was loved.

I'm not sure when I'll stop crying.  Seems like I've been crying for days between the accident Friday til now tears have been flowing.  The room was so empty.  No Jasmin to watch out for when DD got up to go to the bathroom last night.  No Jasmin in the corner snoring.  The house despite a crazy Snoopy is very still and quiet.  I know she is gone and there is no bringing her back.  I hope that maybe I learn to be a little more like Jasmin.  Just learn to go with the flow, able to forget the past and the bad stuff in it and just enjoy the now.  She was such a good girl.

Goodbye my sweet Jasmin.  Mommy loves you.  Thank you for choosing us and making our world bigger and better.  I hope you knew that we loved you so very much.  That without you DD would not have been as happy a little girl.  I hope that all of treats that we snuck you despite your diet showed you that we cared.  I hope all of the hugs were enough to let you know you were forever home with us.  I have no clue where you are now and if we'll ever met again but know you'll always be in our hearts because you were the one that helped open them up when we didn't even know they were closed.  Goodbye my Jasmin.

For those of you who want to read DH's response to the passing of our Jasmin just click here.  He posted several more picture of our sweetheart.

My original post about Jasmin from 2009.   Interesting that I had forgotten that she use to sleep with her legs straight out.  Time flew too quickly.