Saying good-bye or saying see you later

Today makes 2 years that a friend from college passed away from colon cancer.  I have and have had many mixed feelings about it.  This was one of the first friendships that ended badly and it was an ending focused on me being dropped because I didn't fit in/ I didn't have enough good stuff to outweigh my bad.  Seems like a strong theme of my life - if I am me, me completely then no one wants to deal with me.  I write that but of course, DH would argue that can't be true since after over 20 years he is still with me.  I also have other friends who have been with me for years and years.

But I digress, back to the dead friend.  Before she passed, she asked me to visit her while I was in Baltimore working on my dissertation research.   At that point in our lives we were Facebook friends but not call each other have actual intimacy friends.  I didn't make the effort.  I made excuses.  Actually, she never followed up with me while I was in Baltimore so I decided it was an invitation made due to old memories and an actual want.  I feel guilty.  She was dying.  Within four months, she would be dead and I didn't bother to respond.  I couldn't have known.  I was selfish and still harboring feelings of hurt from almost 15 years previous.  I was an asshat plain and simple.

I am a bit melancholy today.  I am dealing with my dad's colon cancer.  We have a strong rotation of family through our house.  People wanting to see my dad, make sure they do it before things turn bad.  It is a good plan.  Almost 2 weeks ago, my dad was rushed into surgery for what turned out to be a 2nd cancerous tumor.  The wait, the anxiety, the fear of watching my dad be admitted to the hospital.  To watch a simple doctor's visit turn into surgery was scary and exhausting.  Our stay in Temple went from 2 nights to 5.  From budgeted to a budget buster.  From simple cancer diagnoses to cancer treatment.

Melancholy - it is a good word.  I am thinking and feeling rather than talking.  Staying silent usually makes the melancholy worse but the feeling that I can't talk to anyone traps me in a cycle of feeling sad, feeling lonely, being scared to reach out, so then I feel sad, I feel lonely, which makes me more scared to reach out and you know the cycle become a spiral of sadness and shame.

I am ashamed of how I treated my old friends.  I should have reached out.  Met the offer to meet with kindness and effort.  I didn't.  I can't change it.  I can learn from it.  I'm not learning very fast as I was again recently dropped for being an awful person.  Maybe one day, I'll meet an old friend who hurt me for coffee and I'll smile and it will be okay between us until then I'll work on keeping my eyes open to the opportunity.

Your bad doesn't outweigh your good

So Sunday night that is what I was told by someone who is now an ex-friend.  I guess you could argue that anyone that would say that to you was never actually your friend but I digress.  I think at the least this person was respectful enough, to be honest with me, right?  Instead of just ghosting out of my life, this person was able to get in a good stabbing and let me know how much I suck.

I am vacillating between wanting to be mad and wanting to be sad.  This person is absolutely right about me.  For their life at this moment, my bad outweighs my good.  That isn't necessarily a comment on me as a person in general; really it is about their own life and needs.  I can't really be a good friend if I demand someone put my want of their friendship above their own needs.  And still I was told that I suck and that hurts.  I'm sad because I did want this person in my life.  I thought we had a good friendly relationship. 

All of that being said, this person had a long list of faults too.  Did I make them a list as they were leaving?  Nope.  I wished them luck.  I help open the door and smiled as they left.  Maybe the problem was this person wanted me to beg.  Bargain with them to stay.  Maybe I should have.  I've had other people ask me why I don't fight to keep people in my life.  Maybe I'm afraid I would fail and end up looking like more of an ass.  Maybe it is that every time I have tried that the friendship ended worse than if I had just let them leave when they wanted. 

I could go and beg this person to be in my life.  On Monday, I got word that I was being asked to be interviewed for the Hollins alumna magazine.  This is a massive honor for me.  Hollins has some really amazing alumni and being included in the magazine is amazing.  After I told DH, I wanted to text this person and let them know.  I almost did anyway but then I remember they don't love me anymore.  They don't want to hear from me.  I'm a horrible addition to their life.  It hurt. 

I admit all of these feelings are not only about this one person.  Most of it goes back to 2 previous relationships that to this day I mourn.  It is those breakups that set me up for this one.  Instead of letting this person in completely and accepting what this person could give, I made them pay for not being what I needed.  This person would pull away and I would give space and then return and I would make them pay for their absence by being mean.  It was a nasty pattern that I couldn't see until it was over.  Now it's over.  I broke my own heart by not really being open.  What to do next?  Unclear but then life is a work in progress so let's see . . .

So much life

It has been well over a year since I posted.  The last 3 months have been crazy let along the previous 20 months or so since I defended my dissertation.

I guess I'll start and just try to cover the big pieces of news:

1 - Dec 27, 2016, I gave birth to a daughter.  Her social media name is #BabyLala.  #Gymgirl loves her dearly and calls her an answer to her prayers.  Lala is amazing and so different from Gymgirl.  I love watching them interact and watching Lala develop into an amazing child.

2 - Snoopy dog was hit by a car and quickly passed on to dog heaven back in March.  Unfortunately, we were on a family walk and we saw the whole thing happen.  Gymgirl was totally lost in grief for many days.  It hurt to lose him.  For now, we are pet-less.  Which is good considering the next piece of news

3 - My dad has stage 3 rectal cancer.  We are in the process of getting him treatment but this is no easy task since he has no health insurance.  The struggle is beyond real at this point.  As a family, we are taking it in stride.  I am in charge of paperwork and making appointments.  DH is doing the majority of the driving for appointments.  The girls are surviving but Baby Lala has always stayed with my dad so being dropped off to other people for care has been hard on her.  My mom is taking it as well as can be expected.  I can see she is stressed and she is smoking more and running off to bingo to keep herself distracted.

Between the end of the school year, the start of the cancer journey with dad, and some health problems for other family members, I feel pretty drained and at a few points at my breaking point.  In the last 2 months, I have gone back to roller derby and running for stress relief.  Rather than go back to my old team, I have joined to other ladies in starting a fresh league.  It has been glorious as stress relief.  I have faith that my dad's journey will go according to God's plan and that I can survive whatever else comes my way.

I'll probably be blogging more just to give myself a way to log this new life journey.  In case you don't know, cancer sucks and the American healthcare system sucks too.