Pneumonia Recovery Sux: The surrender

I have been feeling really good.  The weather has been strange but warm enough for me to run.  I got 3 miles on the trails last Sunday (12/15) and then realized I'm 35 miles from 500 miles for the year.  That meant 2 miles a day until the end of the year, right?  What's 2 miles a day when I just finished 3. 
Monday (12/16), I got up and headed to the gym with the intention of cross-training and completing a warm-up mile.  Did I really only intend to run 1 mile when I knew I needed 2?  Probably not but I didn't wear my compression socks so in theory, I was setting myself up for 1 mile.  Once I got up on the running track, I set my Nike app to 2 miles.  I reasoned that after my leg numbness on the trails the day before I needed to see what my legs would do on the indoor track.  I completed my 2 miles and my legs were going to sleep.  So it is an issue with terrain or shoes, just my legs acting up again.  However, my lungs felt great.  No shortness of breath, no lung pain.  I was doing well.  I just knew I was over this whole pneumonia thing. 

Yesterday was Gymgirl's 10th birthday.  I was so excited to get home to spend some time with my girl.  As I was driving home I started to feel funny.  A tingle in my chest, kinda in the middle.  It was scary.  I tried to reason my way through it.  Maybe I'm having a panic attack from the emotion of being the mom of a 10-year-old but I didn't feel panic-y.  I was joyful and excited.  So if you know Texas highways, this feeling started around Carthage so I'm about 90 minutes from home.  Once I hit Mt. Enterprise, I decided to use my rescue inhaler.  The feeling is growing, now instead of space the size of my hand, it is down the middle of my torso.  Now I'm about 60 minutes from home.  Halfway between Mt. Enterprise and Nacogdoches, I get lightheaded.  I was to the point of praying to get to Nac because there really wasn't a safe place to pull over.  I begin conscious breathing, deep breaths because I had really and truly become aware of a lack of air in my body. 

I couldn't decide what to do.  Do I stop?  Do I call my husband?  Can the ER really do anything for me?  Do I just need to give the inhaler time?  By the time I hit Nac, I was pretty sure I needed to go straight to the ER but with about 30 minutes to go until I was home, I just kept going.  My airway started to open a little bit as I hit the Nac loop and my lightheadedness was also going away.  I was finally feeling better after I crossed the Angelina River bridge.  It was so strange to go from feeling great to feeling awful to decent in a span of 2 hours.

The weather keeps changing in extremes this season.  Sunday it was 80.  This morning, Wednesday, it was 30 when I left the house.  It is about 11am and I've hit the rescue inhaler twice today.  So you know what, I give. Pneumonia recovery really sux and it is a fucking ultra instead of a 5k.  So I surrender.  I will not make 500 miles this year.  I'll get it next year. 

Dear Pneumonia, You are really making my holiday season awful.  I want to run free and take advantage of the few beautiful days we get in the winter but you make me pay for each and every one.  Since you have decided that you are my ride or die for the moment, I need you to hear me.  I have goals to reach this next year so after I give you an amazing New Year's, you and I are over.  You hear me?  We are so over. 
Maybe we can be friends and see each other for coffee on really rainy gross days but let us not make that a habit.  We both know this is a toxic relationship.  We need to break up so that we can grow.  It is totally you but honestly, I'm a selfish bitch.  I want the freedom to run and you want to stay in bed all day.  It has been so real but not real fun.  I won't miss you. 
Bye forever, Ultra-Marathoner in Training

Places vs Spaces

A few years back during my doctoral studies, we read a book titled, "Significance of Place" by Kincheloe and Pinar.  The basic jest is that where in the world we grow up, the place plays a role in how we are raised. 

Going into popular culture, there is a scene in "Music and Lyrics" were Drew Barrymore's character is writing music lyrics and she is debating the use of the word corners instead of spaces.  She wanted to give boundaries.  She wanted a better visual.

Okay so now to the point, I have been either sick, dealing with sickness, or working for the last 6 weeks.  It was like I ran Tejas at the end of September, jetted off to Indy for a conference, and then disappeared into my house.  So last Saturday, I decided to officially leave my introverted space and rejoin the world.  I went out for coffee and then skating.  Trust me, I should have done one or the other, not both.  Recovery from pneumonia sucks but then you just read that post so you know that part already. 

But back to the point,  to start off my day of self-care, I  posted a picture of my coffee and scone at Java Jacks with the caption, "I am officially leaving my hiding space so hit me up."  I almost used the word place but switched to space.  Why?  The more I reflexed on my word choice, I found myself thinking about "Music and Lyrics" and "Significance of Place."  A place is a fixed space.  My hiding place would be my house or my office.  It has an address and I can guide you there; however, a space is more nebulous.  It could have an address but not necessarily. 

As an introvert, I am very good about hiding myself in a crowd.  I can turn inward into my own mind and look like I'm part of the crowd but really I'm far away.  I'm in my hiding space.  I have a few friends that understand my need for my hiding space.  They don't get offended when I suddenly grab my phone and space out for a minute.  There are just times, I am overwhelmed with input and just need to hide.  There are times that a minute will do.  There are times that I won't communicate personally with anyone for weeks at a time outside of posting on social media. 

To post that I am leaving my hiding space means that I am open to seeing people and to be seen by people.  I am in a headspace for difficult conversations.  Let me tell you, September was full of tough conversations and I was pretty glad to be forced into hiding.  I thought I had plans with a friend that suddenly just went MIA.  Honestly, I was looking forward to that conversation but when he just disappeared I spun into a shame spiral that I had been circling and managed to avoid until I couldn't escape the internal dialog of "See, everyone hates you.  X is avoiding you.  And you just had that fight with A and S also seems to be avoiding you.  Your good doesn't outweigh your bad.  You don't deserve friends."

Once I jump into the spiral I just seemed to keep being buried again and again.  I finally made some plans to leave the house and then sickness hit the house.  Then as I was recovering I entered the hardest weeks of the semester.  I had no energy for anything.  The struggle is real and dangerous.  I feel like I don't deserve love or friends so then I avoid everyone which of course only reinforces the feeling that I don't deserve love or friends since no one wants to see me but no one wants to see me because I am refusing to be seen.  And the spiral of shame sucks me in deeper but add to that the illness and work and you begin to have a situation were professional help might be called for.  At this point, I have learned to stop the dialog for an in-depth analysis.  Is it true that X is avoiding me?  Probably but maybe he is busy.  Did you lose A?  Probably but if she can't have an honest conversation do you really want her?  Is S avoiding you or am I just hiding so that she can't find me?  Then I list the people that love me.  Then Baby Lala demands hugs and kisses and I can see that I was just exhausted.  I couldn't see the truth because I was just exhausted.  Now that I've had a chance to rest and see the completion of some projects, I can be seen again.   

I can't exactly say I can breathe again, fucking pneumonia, but I can see the end of the tunnel and I feel bright again.  I'm no longer a cloud of darkness and therefore I am fit to be around people.  Maybe my bad doesn't outweigh my good but that's cool.  I'll hang out with my fellow badass bitches and we'll fill with space with love, laughter, and light.

Pneumonia Sucks

So the last few weeks of school are always super busy at a college.  Between the end of classes and finals, students and professors seem to lose their minds.  This is a critical time in an academic library.  We are the quiet study space and the group study space and defacto tutors in all subjects.  The number one thing I do is help students write papers and research for those papers. 

Now I work at an HBCU which also has the added hype of homecoming.  My HBCU does not have a football team so homecoming is pretty late in the semester since we wait for basketball to start.  This year's homecoming was the last week of October.  At an HBCU, all of the alumni come back to campus.  At Hollins, we had a reunion and it is always targeted a few special class years.  Homecoming is everybody comes back.  It is fun.  It is exhausting.  I opened the library this year for the first time in about 5 years so a "grand opening" was planned. 

On Monday of homecoming, I was feeling awful.  I didn't have any help for my entire shift and I was hopping from project to project.  On top of the grand opening, I was scheduled to present to the Board of Trustees about the library and a couple of other projects on my plate.  By the time I left that Monday, I told my evening assistant that I would see her tomorrow unless I ran a fever.  I got up Tuesday morning running a fever. 

Mind you at my house, we were just finishing a long string of illness starting with Gymgirl with a random tonsillitis infection, moving to my dad with shingles, that lead directly to Baby Lala getting chickenpox.  Between the fever, body aches, and general fatigue, my husband took me to one of those urgent care places for a flu test.  Never agree to a flu test; it feels like they are trying to scrape your eyeballs.  So I survived the flu test, which was negative but the PA did not like the sound in my chest.  After only my second x-ray ever, he declared I had pneumonia.  I would not be allowed to return to work for the Board presentation but if I was feeling better and took all of my meds, I could attend my grand opening.

While I was at home, I had to be in quarantine.  Baby Lala was still recovering from chickenpox and my dad from shingles on top of still recovering from cancer treatment.  So we had 2 people that we absolutely could not afford to allow to get sick. So I was stuck in my room, listening to Baby Lala crying for me and coughing up a lung or lung butter as the old folks like to say.

I returned to work for my grand opening and I was very tired afterward.  It took me all weekend to recover from 1 day's work.  I had planned to take a day off the following week before I got sick since I knew I would be covering weekend hours for finals.  By the time I had my day off, I was so tired.  Even this last week, I found myself exhausted.  I'm just tired all of the time.  I have had to use a rescue inhaler a couple of times to open up my breathing. 

Needless to say, I'm not running.  I miss running.  Between extended library hours and pneumonia, I haven't been able to see anyone outside of work and my house.  I miss my friends; not that I really have many (or any depending on the day) I do like to leave the house.  I'm 18 days released from quarantine and still tired.  The recovery is really kicking my ass.  I'm not used to sitting.  Yes, I get tired but that is usually from running or running around all day.  I want to run.  I need to destress.  All in all pneumonia and pneumonia recovery sucks.  Here's hoping that you and yours are doing well!