Well more than one year later

 Wow, it is amazing how time flies when life is slapping you in the face.

Actually yes, life got down right awful right after my last post back at the end of April 2024.  My dad ended up in the hospital another two times in May 2024.  The first one was a fluke.  An infection that can happen with the intense surgery and recovery.  The second nearly killed him.

Without going to all of the details, I say this.  My dad was hours from septic shock when I rushed him to the ER.  Apparently, septic shock is a point of no return for most folks but my pig-headedness really did save him.  I was getting ready for work when I found him.  He was struggling to open his eyes and could not put a full sentence together.  Because he was still recovering from the Feb 2024 surgery, I had to rush him to the closest Baylor Scott and White ER, which for me was two hours away in College Station.  

Many things about that day went right and one thing that still haunts: my decision to go to College Station rather than travel the extra hour to his doctors in Temple.  It eventually meant he had to be life-flighted between hospitals.  College Station found his bladder had ruptured and he was septic.  They were not equipped for his care, so they wanted him sent to Temple.  The ambulance would be another four hours and they wanted to move him while he was stable to they decided to life flight him.  One of the hardest moments of my life was watching them load my daddy in that helicopter and then having to drive the hour by myself not knowing what I was going to find on the other end.  Knowing I was doing this by myself because my husband, mom, and girls were at home and had to drive three hours to meet me in Temple.  I still don't know what exactly held me together as I drove Texas back roads with tears running down my face and panic choking me.  

He was very touch-and-go for a few days.  It was bad enough that he was making final arrangements for himself.  It was bad.  It was made worse by the fact that it was also my 45th birthday.  Easily the worst birthday ever.

The rest of 2024 was spent running to Temple once a month for the rest of the year.  I report that by December he was really back on the mend and now he back to himself, like before the big surgery.

2024 ended with a bang!  My BlaxicanMMA turned 15!  As part of my dad's recovery, he wanted to celebrate her with a traditional Mexican quinceañera.  While not exactly all the way traditional, she did have a grand party and 100 or so folks joined us in celebrating this huge milestone.  One that BlaxicanMMA was now 15 but also that my dad was here to celebrate it with us.  Even my grandmother was there!  

Just when I started to relax, we got slapped again with my father-in-law having a stroke in January of this year.  Thankfully, hubby's brother recognized the signs and got him to the hospital before too much damage occured and I can report that he is almost like his old self again.

Now that isn't to say that the moms, mine and hubby's, haven't had their own health challenges in the last year but of course women are much less dramatic when it comes to such things.  Both moms have issues with their eyesight.  Issues that mean hubby and I have to make sure we get our yearly eye appointments in.  

Lastly, a quick update on my little bit, LalaWarriorPrincess.  She has started the viola and she loves it. 
She swept most of the academic awards for her grade this year.  She is still a joy and my heart in the world.  

I don't know how I would have survived 2024 without my husband and girls.  2025 has bucked just a bit but just last month hubby graduated with his Master of Education in Counseling!  He is waiting on some state tests before he can apply for his LPC-A but then he'll be continuing in his new career.  I am so proud of him!

That is the quick and dirtly update of the last 13 or so months.  This year I purposely pretended that I didn't not have a birthday and no one ended up in the hospital so while correlation does not equal causation, I probably won't be celebrating any birthdays in the future; I'll just magically be older.

Back Back Back again

 Way back on April 1st, I made my way back to Wiley.  When I left Wiley College, now Wiley University, despite all of the good work I knew I had done, I felt a bit like a failure.  I had worked so hard and now I was so tired.  I think a part of me thought that a good leader wouldn't have been so exhausted that they left.  I know now that isn't true but that was how I felt.  I loved Wiley and loved the team I was working with but I was so tired.

On top of being tired, I think I was searching for confirmation that the library was still my place.  I had been doing so much administrative duties that despite being the Director of Library Services, I didn't get to library much.  Part of that was also a lack of actual skill on my part.  I am a great educator, researcher, and librarian but my technical skills were rusty and really needed to be honed.  In the world of library technology I was about 10 years behind and while I knew I could make it work and stay on at Wiley one of the things I learned at Wiley was a love for HBCUs.  So what is the connection?  Well, I kept seeing that HBCUs (but as it turns out most colleges period) suffer from people staying in place too long.  I am a good librarian, better now for having gone to Panola, but in order to provide the best library service, I needed to grow my skill set.  So I found a mentor who was willing to teach me the latest in library technologies in the back-of-house area (technical services).  While I'm sure he would have mentored me without me joining him at Panola, I knew I needed to be somewhere different to try and feel less tired so I left Marshall and headed down to Carthage.

I learned so much at Panola.  My boss was a good mentor.  His leadership style was also very different from my own so I could see a different type of leadership in action.  I was lucky that I had another good boss to work with and another boss that I hated to leave but leave I did and returned to Wiley.

Before I completely gloss over my time at Panola; I really did learn a lot not only about being a librarian but about me as a person and leader.  I learned I don't like having time to myself.  I really like having a project to work on.  I learned I missed being a decision-maker at the big table.  I started my yoga teacher certification, which I had been wanting to do for years.  I learned that I wanted to be back in administration.  I learned that I want to be excellent and that for me being okay was not enough to keep me motivated.

So I'm back at Wiley.  While I think some would look at my time at Panola as a step backward, going from director to just librarian, I know they are wrong.  In order for an arrow to launch; it has to be pulled backward.  Right now, in my career, I have been launched forward.  I'm working hard. I feel behind.  I love it.  

Your Love and Your Absence Feel the Same

 I'm not much of a poet but also I have words that need to go somewhere so here they are.

Today I realized that your love and your absence feel the same.

You let me chase you.

You force me to chase you for a crumbs of attention.

You like it.

You get off on being the object of my love.

I chase.

I chase.

I give.

I sacrifice.

You take.

You take.

You refuse.

I chase.

I give more.

You take more.

You ghost me.

I chase harder.

I give more.

Except, you forgot I don't need you.

I have me and mine.

You were extra.

So when I stopped, I didn't notice your absence.

I noticed my freedom.

I could breathe again.  

I guess you haven't noticed I stopped.

Honestly, it hurt to stop because if I stopped I had to see that I was running from myself.

So I'm not mad.

We're good.

Your love and your absence feel the same.

I choose me.  

I choose mine.

The door is open to you but I'm not holding my breath anymore.

Hello Darkness my old friend

 There are moments in life that you cement in your memory.  Holding your baby for the 1st time.  Walking across the stage for your doctorate.  Your dad tells you he has cancer.  5 years ago, almost 6 now, my dad started a colon cancer journey that would see him nearly die twice and undergo 3 separate surgeries; each surgery literally taking a piece of him.  

On January 18th, as I was getting ready for work, my dad stopped me and asked me to contact his cancer doctor; he thought his cancer was back.  I stayed visibly calm, said I would take care of it, and then went to my room to cry.  I took a moment or two and then I dried my eyes and contacted the doctor.

We had an appointment for the next week, about a 5-day wait.  We saw the doctor, got a series of appts, and got sent home.  Honestly, I don't think the doctor quite believed my dad about his symptoms.  Then two days later, my dad tells my mom he needs to go to the ER, everything is worse.  They decided to wait until Friday, Jan 26, since I don't work Fridays, so I could go with him and advocate.  That was the last day my dad was in Lufkin.  He has been in Temple ever since and we don't know when he will come home.

He had major abdominal surgery on Feb 15th.  A surgery scheduled for 6 hrs took 18 and landed my dad in the ICU.  That was a hard day, just waiting and waiting.  We were told around 7pm that it would be a few more hours due to an accident during surgery. The accident took 6 hrs to repair and then he had 3 more hours of surgery to complete the fix.  The good news: no cancer!  The bad news: lots of complications.

I got to stay with my dad while he was in the ICU.  I was so worn out by the night before waiting on him to come out of surgery that I actually slept on that tiny guest bed and even slept through the midnight blood draws.  We had to leave Temple for a BJJ tournament on Saturday and I got to see my dad that morning before leaving.  I got to see him get out of bed!  

He has not had an easy time of it this time.  The previous 3 surgeries, he was out of the hospital in 3 days.  This time we are about to be at 7 days and he still can't eat.  They won't release him until he is eating.  He can't eat because his intestine isn't awake yet.  He ran a fever two nights ago and yesterday they placed some tubes into his kidneys.  We are playing the waiting game.  

Yesterday, I was working on something at my desk and decided to check-in on my dad.  I happened to call while a nurse was in the room informing him of the procedure to insert the tubes into his kidneys.  The interesting thing was that as I was listening in, "Pressure Machine" (the song not the album) by The Killers was playing.  This is a pressure machine.  Will I pop or can I hold on long enough to welcome my dad home?

Below is my Facebook status from Sunday, Feb 18:

I'm sitting outside trying to get some sunshine therapy. To say these past 5 days have been hard would be an understatement.

Seeing my dad on a ventilator, watching the agony on his face waiting for the breathing tube to be removed, and then watching the excruciating pain he went through standing for the 1st time post surgery.

I thought I was ready for this past Wednesday. We knew it could be a long day. We knew it could be more difficult than expected but how do you prepare for a surgery that is scheduled for 6 hrs but goes for 18? All we wanted was for a 100% robotic surgery and when they opened him up completely, the devastation was almost overwhelming.

Instead of bringing my dad home today like we had hoped and prayed for, I left Temple yesterday with zero idea of when he is coming home.

There were bright spots. Moments with Ray and the girls but it is hard.

It is hard to balance the little girl who wants to be with her daddy with the woman who has to go to work and run a household while adding in the requirements of managing my dad's health from afar.

I can really feel the pressure when it comes back after a break. Watching Audrey yesterday and focusing down to just being Audrey's mom was a welcomed respite. We walked the Comerica Center laughing and celebrating that I forgot I had left my dad then on the way home I realized I had no idea when I would see my dad again.

While I was sitting in the ICU with my dad there was a young mother in the next room and her 4-year-old kept running and screaming in the hallway. While I question the parenting of allowing such a young child into the ICU, I also understand the needs of that baby. He just wanted his mommy. I hope his mom makes it out of the ICU and back home. I pray for all of the shell-shocked families I saw in the ICU.

For now, my dad is waiting on his body to come back to life. His intestine has been traumatized for the 4th time and the very complicated surgery has made it hard for it to wake up. The doctor said this is normal. Don't worry, yet. This is normal, just give it time. So from 3 hours away, I wait with my phone by my side.

Blaxicanmma is #3! She's #3!

 So I started last year with a commitment to run to help myself get through Blaxican's first year on the BJJ competitive team.  Let me tell you it was quite the year!

To the title:  she finished her Point Muay Thai season as the number 3 fighter in the girls' division behind 2 California girls.  She's number 3 out of PMT girls in both California and Texas.  It is incredible

In BJJ, she became an AGF tri-state champion by winning at Oklahoma State in March, Texas State in October, and Louisiana State back in Dec of 2022.  She also brought home a few golds from a few other competitions.  Probably her hardest-fought medal was a bronze she won at JJWL in Feb of last year.  

All of this while dealing with pain levels of 3 or higher since the end of March.  She is a fighter in every sense of the word.  At Texas State just before her challenger round, she was outside doubled over in pain.  She was at about a 6.  She went in and rolled a very good orange belt and while she lost, she barely lost.  

She also had her first super fight!  She lost to a very strong and lovely competitor.  We really enjoy it when she gets to roll against someone better than her because that is when we see her growing the most.

We are still trying to learn the ropes of raising a fighter.  The bills are beginning to outstrip our income and so we really need to find some sponsors for her but it is a challenge.  We don't want to make fighting her life at this point.  We want her to enjoy it before it becomes the thing she has to do.

To the pain: we have been in and out of doctors' offices.  We thought we had a cause that required surgery.  Had the surgery and we found out that the cause was less clear than we thought.  She does seem to be in less pain and she already has a full February so she is trying to quickly recover and get back out there.  She won't be cleared for contact for another week but then she'll have to hit the mat because IKF is Feb 10 then JJWL the next weekend.  

As much as I want to run a few races, it seems all of Blaxicanmma's events are on race weekends.  Obviously, I'm not going to pull her out of an event for me to run.  I'm never going to go pro as a runner but she really and truly can go pro in these combat sports she loves.  It is scary to watch her fight.  I hate seeing her take hits but she loves it and she's good at it so I just run and keep trying to raise money to pay the bills.  If you know of a business that would like to sponsor Blaxicanmma send them my way!

Blaxican's year:

Feb - JJWL - 3rd place

Feb - IKF - Lost an exhibition fight

Mar - Oklahoma State - 1st in her division, no place in Challenger

April - JJWL - 1st place

May - Chick-Jitsu superfight - lost

June - AGF Bossier City - 2 golds

July - Hard Spar exhibition

September - AGF Houston - 2nd place

October - IFK 3 fights: 2 wins, 1 loss

October - Texas State - 1 Gold, 1 Silver

November - IKF 2 wins

December - Earned her Grey/Black belt

All is Forgiven by Lilli Lewis

 So let me start with I know Lilli Lewis.  My daughters call her Aunt Lilli so if you are like well Martha can't be impartial then that may be true, but I challenge you to go and listen to the album and then come at me.

Where do I start with Lilli Lewis's new release?  Do I start with the song that I love most? song that makes me dance?  song that makes me question life? I'll go down the song list!

I lied so general feeling first.  I love this album and not just because I've watched Lilli workshop some of these songs over the last year.  I'll be honest there is a track that does not make sense to me for this album but man do I love Lilli's voice.  I am always on pins and needles when I know Lilli is about to release something new into the world.  One, I love Lilli as a human, as an auntie to my girls, as a soul sister to my husband, the list goes on.  Two, because I love Lilli's music, I want others to love Lilli's music.  I want the world to be on fire for her because her music moves my soul.  I'll tell you the thing that worries me about the rest of the world finding Lilli is I don't want to hear covers of her music.  I want Lilli's voice only.  Light (O, Let Your Light Shine) has been covered, and the first time I heard it I was offended.  Like that is my song who in the world had the gaul to sing it!?  Anyways, it's an okay cover.

But to All Is Forgiven, the album is well worth your listen.  Like most of Lilli's music, you can enjoy it without listening hard to the lyrics but if you take the time to listen and really hear the lyrics you are in for a soul punch.  Lilli really likes to bring you in for a hug and then whisper in your ear, "Was that action really an act of radical decency or are you being an asshole?"  The funny thing is since she punches your soul in the midst of the hug, you are able to take it for what she is giving which is love.  When so many people are demanding you be kind, Lilli asks are you decent to yourself and others?  Why the difference?  Lilli believes in accountability!

So starting with Sin Eater, she wants you to not be an asshole.  Like I'll give and you take but don't think I don't see you taking more than you should.  To me, all of the kindness is life rhetoric implies taking shit.  Radical decency gives you permission to call out bs.  Also, the tuba/sousaphone if you don't bop to this then I don't even want to speak to you, like for real.

Happy Enough is a song I know from Lilli's The Shiz days.  I did not know she was bringing to this album.  I was shocked and at first, I didn't like it.  I mean where is Liz's voice?  The song feels different but in a good way.  The Shiz's version felt like a challenge.  The Shiz version with Liz on lead vocal is more like Liz was in your face and if answered wrong there was going to be a fight.  Lilli's version is more fun, and less dangerous.  It may be the mellowing of all of us, Lilli, Liz, and myself, all being in our 40s so rather than the need to fight, it is now an acceptance that if I'm not happy enough for you well that is your problem, not mine.

The title track, All is Forgiven, is the best throwback to the 80s.  This needs to be the theme song to a great family sitcom.  I can see Steve Winwood with some amazing backup singers just getting down to this.  Then Whitney Houston would cover it for a retro-film.  Anyway, the point is I like it and it reminds me of the 80s.

Lilli's Just One Ride is a heartbreaker.  I first heard it about a year ago when she was workshopping it.  My immediate thought was this belongs on Grey's Anatomy.  But very specifically over a scene where Dr. Callie Torres (played by Sara Ramirez) finally finds her own voice and takes charge of her life.  I don't know if that scene exists but it should and this song should play over it.  I pray that more people fall in love with Just One Ride.  

If You Really Mattered is a call to action.  It sounds melancholy but again, if you want to be melancholy you 100% can or you can listen to the lyrics and get off your ass.  This is a reminder that we have to practice radical decency with ourselves.  Hold ourselves accountable to be amazing humans with gifts and talents meant to be shared not hidden.  This is Lilli looking at you and telling you, "You are amazing and you are here to do amazing shit.  Get off your ass.  I see you!  I see you sitting!  GET OFF YOUR ASS!"  But in a soft tune so you don't even realize she is kicking you in the ass.

I think Possible is the part II to If You Really Mattered.  "To Trust You Back"  Just that line.  Can you trust yourself?  See accountability!  Get off your ass.  Stop listening to those assholes, you are amazing!

Okay and then you are lead into what feels like an oddball off the wall, WTF in Ciel Eternel.  Don't get me wrong it is beautiful.  If you don't know the ability of Lilli's voice, this shows it off beautifully but what is she saying?  I don't speak French so I don't know.  But it is pretty.

If you make it this far in this blog and the album then you know that you are going back into hell; you are being called back to radical decency.  Drink This Water Child is another slow song with deep lyrics.  Lilli often sings of water and uses water as a metaphor.  I wish she had punched up the vocals because they feel hidden behind the music.  The water is deep and I feel like I don't get the lyrical punch because I struggle to hear the actual words.  

The ending track is a piano-forward song named Firefly.  This feels like a southern porch in the middle of a hot summer night when you are having deep conversations with your best friend.  You are watching the fireflies and realizing that you are the light that this world needs but it is hot and late so you are just going to sit, talk, and drink some sweet tea.  It is a call to action and a reminder to move with intention so that the heat doesn't overwhelm you, no wasted energy.

So that is All Is Forgiven the new album by Lilli Lewis.  She is a profound music writer.  She can take a simple message, practice radical decency, and make it pretty or loud so that it is accessible to everyone.  Listen to it.  Tell me I'm full of it.  I am not a profound writer.  I am not a profound music critic.  This music I like.  I think you might like it too.

Open Letter to Brandon Flowers of The Killers

 So I don’t know Brandon and have zero expectation that he’ll read this but it is on my heart so here goes:

Dear Brandon, hope it’s cool I address you so informally.  

So it hurts my heart to hear you have scrapped the new album.  "boy" and "Your Side of Town" are the start of a fun record but I get not feeling it.  As one of your fans who despised Pressure Machine, it really hurts my heart you want to do more music like that.  See it was done well but you did it at the height of lockdown and well it is depressing as fuck.  I can almost love some of the tracks from the abridged version.  "Runaway Horses" live just spoke to me in a way that it didn’t just listening to it on the album but actually that isn’t the point of this letter.

To the point: sir, you mention not wanting to be the “Somebody Told Me” guy.  I totally get that.  The song hit 20 years ago.  You aren’t that guy anymore but see here is the thing, we aren’t the same kids who fell in love with that song as it hit either.  Believe it or not, we have grown and aged with you.  We are in our 40s too!  We are parents.  We are married.  We have lived through some shit same as you.  

You are smart.  This is something you already know so back to finding the point here.  We have matured and we understand you and your music has to too.  While I am probably never going to listen to all of Pressure Machine again, I understand where it came from.  But you aren’t just the Hot Fuss guy.  The Killers are more than a few hits, for your fans The Killers are old memories and new memories.

Sometimes I do escape into Hot Fuss.  I remember listening to it when it first hit and then everything since.  To this day, Sam’s Town is my go to for study time because it was all I listened to as I worked on my Masters of Ed.  My doctorate application is Battle Born.  I still remember having a complete crying fit in the local coffeeshop listening to "Runaways."  My actual studies are your solo album, Flamingo.  I will never be able to think of the 2020 election week without hearing "Imploding the Mirage" in my mind.  Every time the news mentioned the implosion of the red wave, I could hear your voice holding Mirage.  Your voice has colored my life for the last 20 years.

So what is my ask?  Release new songs that show us you as the man you are today.  Even if that place is dark and uncomfortable because at times we are dark and uncomfortable too.  Show us how to survive the rough parts of our marriages.  Talk to us about raising boys.  Sing to us about your crumbling illusions of life and the joys of creating yourself into something new.

Why?  Because we are living those phases too.  Way back on Battle Born, you had a song “The Way it Was” and you talk about wanting to go back.  The new life you have isn’t what you wanted and you want to go back to the way it was.  I have always had a love/hate relationship with that song.  Yes, the beginning of a romance is beautiful but so is the middle and growing with someone.  That is what you are asking from us, to let go of the way it was and meet you here and now.  So let us meet you here and now.

Please tour smaller venues where we can see the whites of your eyes. Play in places where Ronny’s sweat will get all over us.  Be close to us and see that yes, we have all changed and honestly it is for the better.

Brandon, darling, you are in middle life.  It’s cool.  I am having hot flashes as I write.  We have both aged.  Now is the time to work on ourselves, to work at being parents and good life partners.  Now is the time to leave the literal arena for the metaphorical arena of middle age.  Listen to Brene Brown.  She has some fabulous thoughts on middle age.  Please don’t kill The Killers.  Let The Killers evolve and age.  Your true victims will be there to listen.

Signed a middle age fan girl from Texas