Monday, September 3, 2012

Reflections on running and betrayal

I've run 9 miles in three days. On Saturday, DH kicked me out of house and sent me running. The air was hard to breathe; it was so caked with water but there was no rain in sight. I hate summers in East Texas. Back in my high school days this would have been the opening years race. Always the hardest one since you can't breathe and are still getting back in shape. Back then I would have only run 2 miles. That was the race and that was my end point. Saturday, I ran 5 miles. I was so slow. It was so difficult but it got done and I felt great after I ate. I managed to run it in about 70 mins. Honestly not that bad and I ran it instead of doing a walk/run combo. My longest run ever! Today I went for a 4 mile run and the weather was a bit better and I took a less hilly route. I managed to shave a minute off my last 4 mile time.

I keep getting up and going for my runs. I try for 3 times a week and average about 2.5 miles per run and I manage and turtle pace of 13:45 per mile. I don't look pretty at any point, before, during, after. I doubt myself before and during and I always feel like I could go a bit farther after each run. I feel stronger and more centered. What do I think about for 2.5 miles? I get my mind ready for my day. I let go of the past. I try to meditate on the lessons life is trying to teach me. Honestly for most of the run I am trying to talk myself to keep going. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

It's just a run. It doesn't really change the world but at the same time, I am a changed person. I smile more. I'm a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. I don't hold on to things/thoughts. The runs don't leave room to hold on to negative thoughts. I have to believe in me and my body and I can't be worried about gossip if I'm facing a hill and 4 miles to go.

So what does that have to do with betrayal. I mean that is the real reason you are sticking with this post, the dirt! There really isn't much dirt to share. The last week has brought betrayal back to the forefront of my mind. Yesterday's sermon was about reaping what you sow. Oprah's life class was about betrayal among women. A close friend of DH's was dealing with some betrayal his life. From all of this I see this: each betrayal is a lesson about me. They teach me to be more careful in who I trust. They teach me to analyze my own motivations in sharing information. They teach me.

I am a very hard headed person. I have had some friends that taught me that I trust too easily. I give too much. I require too much. Because I don't listen, these are lessons that I've had to have repeated exposure to. I am a trusting soul. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I look as everyone as my friend. Jeffery Duhmer and I would have been tight right up until he killed me for opening the fridge. DH really keeps an eye on who I hang with because I just trust everyone. However, I am learning to keep my mouth shut and listen more. I don't blab my whole life to everyone anymore. I am learning that I am me and I only control me. Just because I help someone move doesn't mean they will ever return the favor and that is my issue not theirs. I can not expect someone to react the way I would react. I have to accept people for whom they are and not who I expect them to be. I am learning. I am trying to be more zen and just roll with the hills of life. All past betrayals are forgiven but the lessons are not forgotten. I am learning.

Just a photo from my local running group. Seems to apply to a lot of my life not just running.