So we are about 20 days after by birthday and I'm still all pruney in the hurt. So I took some deep breaths and tried to work my mind through the hurt. I need to find the base otherwise I'll stay stuck in the moment.
A couple of days ago, a former student and now Facebook friend posted a graphic about getting okay with the invitation that never come and understanding that you were never part of their plans. It resonated with me immediately. This whole birthday thing really reminds me that these friends of mine aren't actually my friends but somewhat close acquaintances that I forgot were acquaintances. I have to remember that not everyone who calls you a friend actually means it.
So this is not a new lesson. Yesterday, I was almost on the other side of the hurt and then I saw a fucking video. Oh, so you are back in town. Then a post, oh so you are making big plans. To her credit, the other one is keeping her plans secret as they seem to involve a secret so at least I don't have to see it yet. Anyways, my feels got all hurt again. So that leads to this morning; why am I still so in this hurt? Why can't I let go of the rope that is clearly cutting my hands?
The NPR station started going in and out, which I hate, so I turned on my Bluetooth and basically played playlist roulette. I couldn't remember what I had been listening to the last time I was listening to Spotify so it could be anything. This is of course when the universe steps in: Cycles by Jonathan McReynolds featuring DOE. If you don't know the song, it is a Christian song reminding us we have to break the bad cycles in our life. We continue to repeat them unless we acknowledge them.
Okay universe, let's turn inward and really dig. What is bothering me? Seriously, it's not like this is the first time "friends" have been asshats to me. What is my issue? My 44th birthday, really?! A little deep breathing and boom: being in elementary school and not being invited to birthday parties but hearing all about how much fun they had the previous weekend. Concerts my college "friends" would go to and tell me about it afterward. The trips my work "friends" would go on during the summer and I would get to hear about later. The invitations that never came.
It is less that I'm not invited but that I'm forgotten or really my feelings disregarded. I understand why I didn't get invited to the parties, my parents treated us like my brothers and I were triples so you weren't just inviting me, you were inviting the whole family. I get it, I didn't know the band or have the money for the concert and the car was full. We aren't trip-taking friends just folks that work together. So I do understand I don't count in those situations; why consider my feelings? I'm not a consideration at all. That doesn't mean it didn't hurt my feelings or that it wasn't until that moment that I hadn't realized I didn't have friends.
So the hurt isn't 44-year-old Martha but 8-year-old Martha and 20-year-old Martha and 30-year-old Martha. I keep letting myself get hurt and the worst part is I court it! One of these "friends" once told me that he was going to join me at a drag show but then decided I wasn't the drive or effort so he didn't bother. I still speak to this person. Y'all why am I allowing myself to be hurt by someone who so obviously do not care about me? He has his head so far up his own ass that this isn't a special statement about forgetting me, it is just who he is. The one "friend" I have known the longest has always dropped me faster than fast whenever she gets a "better" offer. The newest of these "friends" is just a workout partner. I have to remember that she will never be more than that so why am I placing any blame at her feet? The sharing ends at the end of the run, period. When I had that straight in my mind, everything was cool.
So I am feeling better as I write this. Finding the root of the hurt and finally putting everyone in their place in my life is what I needed to do back on May 28th. I wasted a lot of energy on being hurt. How do I fix this nasty pattern? That is a much longer project and currently, I have no plan. The easy flippant answer is to say I'll never speak to those people again and find actual friends but I know that this is a strong life pattern rooted deep inside of me. I'll just do it all over again and again. Pattern breaking is so much hard work but I know I'm worth my effort so step one: recognize the pattern. Step two, I'm not sure yet.
No comments:
Post a Comment