Do I have to?

So yesterday, DH and I took Audrey to the Cadwell Zoo in Tyler.  We had a blast.  Got to see an elephant pretty close.  I think Audrey was actually disappointed to not see a hippo; Cadwell doesn't have one. 

While there Audrey asked to nurse twice.  The first time she got distracted by pine straw and a friend so she forgot she wanted to nurse.  The second time, we found a rocking chair at the entrance/exit and sat right down and got to nursing.  I was a bit worried that someone would say something but no one even noticed.  It was busy so no one had time to notice.

We decided to take Audrey to a hibachi place since we had been missing good hibachi since we moved from Virginia.  I must say this was at about 5pm, which is prime Audrey nap time.  We knew as soon as we got her in the car for 90 min trip home she would fall asleep so we decided to try dinner with a sleepy baby.  Almost as soon as we sat down she started fussing for "BOOB!"

I so did not want to nurse her at the table.  At almost 22 months and super active, she is not one to allow me to be discreet.  If I lift the shirt a bit then she will lift it up above my head, or at least try to.  What to do?  What is a lactivist, LLL leader, committed breastfeeding mom to do?

I had put on a nursing tank so at least no one would see my rolls and I nursed my toddler at the table.  I'm mean what else was I going to do?  It was either nurse or suffer the wrath of Audrey.  I know the people at my table didn't want me to nurse but once food started coming out Audrey turned her attention to the food and we had a pleasant dinner.  I know if I had fought her off the boob, dinner would have been horrible.  At our table, there were two pregnant women.  DH said that yes they noticed but that they just blew it off.  Considering the turn around in Audrey's behavior, I would say that they had a positive impression.  So maybe women who would have never thought about breastfeeding might give it a second thought and try. 

So why didn't I want to breastfeed?  Well at a hibachi table you are sitting very close to other people.  When we are in a non-hibachi eatery, I have no issues whipping out a boob.  But with strangers at your table it's a bit different.  Maybe it shouldn't be but it was.  So why did I breastfeed?  Well I'm a walk the walk type of person.  How can I tell mom's to NIP if I won't?  So out came the boob and Audrey's world was safe and calm again.  If I can NIP a toddler at a table with strangers without a cover then anyone can NIP.  Just take a deep breath and remember that baby comes first.

Horrible person

So I am a horrible person.  Hear me out.  I don't mean in general but in one specific area.  I am not happy for one of my friends.  I am trying to be happy for him but the harder I try the harder I find it.

This friend of mine is B's husband.  As you might remember B died in childbirth just a little over a year ago.  I have really struggled to come to terms with her death.  Everytime I think I'm "over" it, something just snaps me back to how not "over" it I really am.  Just an example, I got an Averett University magazine.  B and I both earned MEds there.  Just flipping through the mag and got to the "Deaths" secetion and there was her name.  It's been a year but it hit me like it was yesterday.  I dropped the mag and cried.  So not over it. 

So back to B's husband.  He's getting married.  I'm sure she is a wonderful person.  He is a good man and I have no clue the pain and struggle he has had.  To lose your wife on the day your first child is born.  I can't even image.  So I should be happy that he is happy.  I am happy for him.  I really am.  Baby J will have a great mom.  But it feels bad to happy for him.  Like I'm giving up on B.  I don't really know how to describe it.  I want to go on his Facebook page and congratulate him but I can't.  Everytime I try I just backspace it all and close the page.  I don't know how to be happy for him without feeling like I am betraying my friend.  She can't be there.  She is gone and he deserves to be happy.  I am horrible person.  When will I be okay with it?

Wordless Wednesday: babywearing win