Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Horrible person

So I am a horrible person.  Hear me out.  I don't mean in general but in one specific area.  I am not happy for one of my friends.  I am trying to be happy for him but the harder I try the harder I find it.

This friend of mine is B's husband.  As you might remember B died in childbirth just a little over a year ago.  I have really struggled to come to terms with her death.  Everytime I think I'm "over" it, something just snaps me back to how not "over" it I really am.  Just an example, I got an Averett University magazine.  B and I both earned MEds there.  Just flipping through the mag and got to the "Deaths" secetion and there was her name.  It's been a year but it hit me like it was yesterday.  I dropped the mag and cried.  So not over it. 

So back to B's husband.  He's getting married.  I'm sure she is a wonderful person.  He is a good man and I have no clue the pain and struggle he has had.  To lose your wife on the day your first child is born.  I can't even image.  So I should be happy that he is happy.  I am happy for him.  I really am.  Baby J will have a great mom.  But it feels bad to happy for him.  Like I'm giving up on B.  I don't really know how to describe it.  I want to go on his Facebook page and congratulate him but I can't.  Everytime I try I just backspace it all and close the page.  I don't know how to be happy for him without feeling like I am betraying my friend.  She can't be there.  She is gone and he deserves to be happy.  I am horrible person.  When will I be okay with it?


  1. It can be so hard dealing with death and I think that maybe when you live with it, it may be that you "get over it" faster. I know that since my dad hadn't been a daily part of my life for over 10 years, I didn't have a constant reminder that he was gone. Now when I go to visit my mom, I still half expect my dad to walk through the door so it is a fresh wave of grief that he doesn't (almost 2 years later).

    I also don't know if you ever get "over it" completely. I still get a little teary when I see an old man that reminds me of my granddaddy and he died 20 years ago. (Luckily it doesn't happen that often anymore.)

    Anyway, my point is, that it is understandable that you are still grieving.

  2. Thank you for the kind words. I guess you are right. I still think about telling my grandmother things and she's been gone for close to 15 years. I just want to happy for him and I feel bad that I don't.