Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Horrible person

So I am a horrible person.  Hear me out.  I don't mean in general but in one specific area.  I am not happy for one of my friends.  I am trying to be happy for him but the harder I try the harder I find it.

This friend of mine is B's husband.  As you might remember B died in childbirth just a little over a year ago.  I have really struggled to come to terms with her death.  Everytime I think I'm "over" it, something just snaps me back to how not "over" it I really am.  Just an example, I got an Averett University magazine.  B and I both earned MEds there.  Just flipping through the mag and got to the "Deaths" secetion and there was her name.  It's been a year but it hit me like it was yesterday.  I dropped the mag and cried.  So not over it. 

So back to B's husband.  He's getting married.  I'm sure she is a wonderful person.  He is a good man and I have no clue the pain and struggle he has had.  To lose your wife on the day your first child is born.  I can't even image.  So I should be happy that he is happy.  I am happy for him.  I really am.  Baby J will have a great mom.  But it feels bad to happy for him.  Like I'm giving up on B.  I don't really know how to describe it.  I want to go on his Facebook page and congratulate him but I can't.  Everytime I try I just backspace it all and close the page.  I don't know how to be happy for him without feeling like I am betraying my friend.  She can't be there.  She is gone and he deserves to be happy.  I am horrible person.  When will I be okay with it?