Open up or die trying

Last nights year end review had a beautiful image. Someone mentioned hatching. The idea that a new person emerged. After it was said it was the word that we all kept using because it was the best way to describe this year. We all hatched. 2012 was a year of lots of change. Change is hard but if you go with the idea of the egg getting out of egg isn't easy. If you don't try, if you don't break open when it is time then you die. You can't be an egg forever. Hatch or die. Open to the world or never see it.

This year has been full of change for me. I feel like I am learning to listen. I feel like I am learning to ask for help. I feel like I am learning to receive help. I hate to quote OWN but this particular idea really has changed my mindset. I have to be prepared to receive.. I can not just ask for help I have to be ready to receive it. I have to accept it. I can't expect people to come to me be rejected and then keep coming back. I must be open to receive. So I am getting open. I am going to see those chances and accept them.

Of course the other side of the coin is being open to giving. For this is turn to Billy Bob Thornton in Love Actually, "I'll give you anything you ask as long as it is something I am willing to give." So true. I give freely. My money my time what little wisdom I have. What I don't give too freely is my emotional state of mind. I rarely talk about my feelings. In part I do that here and I don't like to rehash things again and again and in part because I find people don't have time. I am the soundboard. I don't use the soundboard. Outside of DH and this blog it is very rare for me to open up about things. A good example would be Brianna. I have written at length about her here and hours and hours with DH but I have barely mentioned her to anyone else. She changed my life and yet I haven't mentioned her outside of my safe circle. So I'm going to get more open. When people give me the chance I will take it. I will open up. Not because it would be a benefit to anyone else but sometimes you should bounce off of another human rather than a blog.

2013 is right around the corner. What will this new year bring? What will I feel, do, say? Will I make the world a better place? Will my band finally settle on a name and play a gig? I can't wait to see.

You ain't funny

So yesterday DH was complaining that he wanted fried chicken. Well not that he want the fried chicken really but the familiness of having chicken and that if we pick up regular fried chicken with sitting and peeling it it would loss the whole point. My response was as follows, "well it's okay, watermelon is out of season anyway." His response, if you weren't my wife I would push you out of this car right now.

Apparently 17 years together, 11 of them married and one kid do not make me black enough to make "those" kinds of jokes. Interracial marriage is fun!

TMI Thursday: ghost babies

Just so you know this post will involve talking about my period. If you do not want to know even more about my flow, uterus, and sex life then come back on Friday this post is not for you.

Okay girls and creepy guys, so honestly honestly I think I just had an early miscarriage. This would be my third one. My first was when I first got married then when we first started trying for a baby back 6 years ago. So what the hell am I talking about. I just read a blog post validating early pregnancy and miscarriages. These are pregnancies that a pee test might not get. They are pregnancies that you know but seem to end before you can officially find out. No one but you and maybe your partner know about it. I call it a ghost baby. You can feel him/her but you'll never be able to prove it.

So why do I think I had a ghost baby? Before my period started, I felt different. I was just about to take a pregnancy test actually. Then my period started on time. I was a bit confused. I could have sworn I was pregnant. I was exhausted. My sense of smell was beyond on target. My boobs were swelling. I felt a spirit with me. Since I started on time I thought maybe I was just wrong. My period has been very heavy this time around. Day 3 was hellish, my day 3 is normally pretty chill this is almost over kinda day. I was so bloody for a minute I thought I was hemorrhaging. I actually took a nap I was so tired. Today is day 4. Tradition this is my last day. I was still bleeding pretty heavily this morning. I am tossing clots left and right. (See TMI, aren't you glad I warned you.) it was a ghost baby.

I was talking to DH about it earlier. I don't feel bad. The first ghost baby, I was so mainstream that I barely knew anything had happened. It is only now looking back that I recognize what happened. My second ghost baby really hurt. When we were trying for a baby having that baby taken away just crushed both of us. I think DH is right about this time around, we know God's timing is always right so if it is not time for this baby then the timing is not right. I guess I've grown up a little.

I want another baby. Ravebaby is 3 and I was hoping to have another baby by now. So feeling like I've lost a baby does shake me. What if I can't have any more children? Doubt enters my mind. Maybe I am not worthy? I know when the time is right it will happen. I will trust in The Lord and in my intuition. I was pregnant. I had a miscarriage. We are in uterus reset mode (also know as my period). We will keep trying. My body can do this. He/she will try to come earth side some other time. I have faith.