#Mamavation Monday: Nothing but a fuck-up

So I've been nothing but a total loser for the last few weeks.  Per my usual self destructive self, I got into the Doctorate of Education program, which proves I'm smart, so I immediate went into a self-loathing of my body spiral.  Why not?  Surely the only I have is a brain so my body must suck.

I'm finding my way back.  After a few pity posts and a couple of weeks of hiding from the track, my grand plan is to get off my ass.  I know the running and working out makes me feel good about me.  I feel strong and powerful.  I feel like a sexy woman.  I need to feel like a sexy woman.  I am a sexy woman?  Anyways, not quite out of the body-loathing yet but I'm better today than last week.

I don't think I am going to meet my half-mary by my birthday goal but I know that with a little work, I can run a half-mary this year.  So I'm going for it.  I might never get rid of this spare-tire around my waist but I know that I am working towards health.  So I'm getting back to running.  God-willing I'll have miles to report for next week.

Miles run this week: 0 :(

This post is sponsored by Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway

Random convo = random post about Archnemesis (warning: sex talk)

So the other while watching Phineas and Ferb with Ravebaby, yes we watch TV, I always said we were crunchyish but go ahead and judge. Anyways, Phineas and Ferb had a great song called My Nemesis. Of course being me, I went to YouTube found the link and posted it to Archnemesis's (do I need the extra s?) facebook wall. I liked the tune and the whole concept but failed to noticed the part of the song that talks about Perry the Platypus only wearing a hat and no clothes. Well he is a platypus so why would he wear clothes? So Archnemesis decided this was my way of hitting on him. I swear if I didn't know he was messing with me I would think he was the most narcissist man on earth instead of a good nemesis. So this little interaction of course leads to the following random thought and now blog post.

(Yes it involves sex so if you are easy to offend I suggest you run now.)

So how sex between Archnemesis and I would go like this:
( Sitting in a room on two chairs across the room from each other.)
Hi.
Hi.
(Stare some more. 20 minutes go by still sitting the the same places.)
I guess one of us should do something.
Like what?
Get naked?
No. I already feel dirty.
Oh okay then I guess we're done.
Yep
Ok
Ok
Bye
Bye
(Both leave from opposite ends of the room and immediately go shower to wash the grossness off.)

You expected something else, right? Nope, I am pretty sure this how it would go. I could be wrong but I highly doubt it.

No one to dance with

So this has nothing to do with dancing and everything to do with my crazy. You have been warned, read at your own risk, yep, I make very little sense.

Okay so the heart of the matter is a lack of self confidence. I don't think I am very attractive. I don't take complements well. I feel like an old fat ugly cow.

According to DH, I am simply nuts, unobservant, and my biggest problem, I am a woman. DH says that all women question whether or not they are attractive or sexy. I'm not sure what goes on in other women's heads, I just know mine and I spend a majority of the day thinking I look awful.

So like all good scientist, DH asked for my proof that I provided the following:

1. No one outside of DH complements me
DH's Rebuttal- men are too afraid of him to even think of saying anything and I am scary with a mean disposition

2. No one jokingly talks about me
DH's Rebuttal - people are afraid of me, when I joke I cut too deep, people are again afraid of him

3. I never catch anyone starring
DH's Rebuttal - I just have no clue what to look for and people are afraid of DH, something about making eye contact with him and the threat of having their eyes removed

So I think the real problem is DH. J/K I love him with everything I have and if never get a complement from another person then I might keep questioning my sexy but I know that DH always sees it.

So exploring the crazy a bit more. Is my issue really a question of feeling like I am stuck with DH? I choose DH and I would chose him again. I mean marriage means making the decision every morning to stick it out and make it work. However, I must admit, hear me out, that I want to know that if tomorrow I decided to leave I would not end up alone. I don't want to pick DH by default.

Some of it comes with age too. We've been married 11 years. When we got married I know I was choosing DH over other guys. There were other dudes that had expressed interest but I wanted DH and truth be told DH was and is the best choice. He has said that I am not his default. There are other options and he chooses me, daily. I know there are plenty of women who would jump in my place. I mean without DH even looking twice, we've had women stalking him. Women are nuts, oh and stay the fuck off of my man!

But back to the point, feeling attractive is about knowing you have options. Lets be honest, I know DH wants me. I know DH would love to do me all day long everyday. I have no doubts that I was and am chosen from the cream of the crop. I want to know that I am doing the same thing. I want to know that I am choosing this and not just settling. Maybe that makes me a bitch or at my core a cheater or whatever you want to call me. I want to know that I am going home with my number one choice not with the only boy that asked.

I am not speaking for anyone but me. I just know that there are days that I feel like I am beautiful and that I am the most beautiful girl in the place and I am going home with the most handsome guy in the room. There are other days that I feel like the most handsome man in the room is pitying me and taking me home for the night. I never said I was sane. I am just putting it out there. Conclusion? I don't have one.