Non-Negotiables

This is actually an assignment that I had to turn in last semester.  I sparked a lot of discussion for our group and really made me think about where I draw my own lines.  Just wanted to share.

My personal non-negotiables are flexible.  I think being inflexible leads to a person’s inability to forgive themselves for falling short.  We all fall short and as such we need to be able to forgive ourselves for times we don’t stand up, we stay silent, and in general violate our personal non-negotiables.  I honestly believe that a person’s inability to forgive themselves leads to refusing to allow others into our lives because we fear being seen as a fraud to ourselves and then in turn to them. 

1. I will treat others in a matter that makes them feel seen, heard and valuable.  When I fall short I will examine why I failed and how I can do better next time.
2.  I will treat myself as I feel that I should treat others.  I cannot treat others better than I treat myself.  If I don’t begin with being my best to myself then others will see my efforts as disingenuous and/or as a means to take advantage of me.
3.    I will be grateful for the life I have even when it seems to be going in a direction I do not like.  Being grateful will require me to stop and exam my attitude towards in the world in general and this will allow me to refocus myself on bring positive change into the world.
4.    I will listen without judgment realizing that I can only see through my own life experiences and that I cannot judge what others due since time, circumstance and life experience are different for everyone.
5.   I will practice forgiveness of myself and others.  Anger and grudges only serve to hurt me and if I keep hurt within me then I cannot keep the first four non-negotiables. 

#Mamavation Monday: Detox from Wheat

I totally missed my post last week due to being in New Orleans for the SERA conference.  It was a requirement for my doctorate.  While there I eat several things not on my gluten free diet and I'm paying for it!

I started with a mini meat pie on the way and only got worse from there including two trips to Cafe Du Monde for beignets.  I was stupid and I didn't think it would hurt me too much since I went wheat free for Ravebaby and not personal health reasons.  I was so wrong.

After four years wheat free, I started paying for the bites almost instantly.  So much gas and a headache.  Since arriving at home I feel like I've been fighting the flu.  Body aches and fatigue and a thirst I can't seem to drink enough water to quench.  I was already scheduled for my annual checkup for tomorrow and I think DH would have demanded a doctor visit anyway since I'm totally not myself at this point.

I don't remember struggling like this for years ago.  I think it is because before I had a baseline of normal that might included all of this achynessand fatigue but I don't remember.  My new normal was painfree and usually with plenty of energy so maybe that is why this seems so bad.  I don't like it.  No way I'm going back to wheat.  Anyone else ever try to go back to wheat only to discover it hurts?

Song Response: The Way It Was by The Killers

I'm starting a new blogging thing were I write up my response to a song that made me stop and think.

If you didn't know I love The Killers and my Spotify is chalk full of them.  When I first heard The Way It Was, I thought it was a sweet ode to a love lost due to growing up and growing apart.  How many times have I wished that DH and I could just go back to the way things were when life and love was easy, i. e. before marriage and growing up got in the way.  In the time since I first heard the song several of my friends marriages have split or hit on a rough patch.  Marriage is hard and we all struggle at some point or another but anyways I stopped and really thought about what was being said and I got angry and here is why.

1. This is someone being a totally immature asshole!  Just go back to the way it was.  You only want to stay with me if I promise to go back to the way it was.  Dude you go back and then you end up right here again!  You are not trying to solve the problem just hide it.  In the words of Thomas Wolfe, "You can't go home again!"

2. The love you remember wasn't real.  We all look back and see just the good sides of thing especially when we are hurting.  If only this had not happened or if only we could just forget and go back to the beginning.  The song speaks about "did you forget all about those golden nights?" and really don't we all remember the golden nights of courting and falling in love but if you want to survive and have a lasting relationship you have to move past just falling in love.  Staying in love is work.  It is not easy!  Stop whining and start working!

3. Is it really over or are you just tried of working at it?  I think this is the one aspect that bothers me most of all.  Brandon Flowers sings, "Back then this thing was running on momentum, love and trust, That paradise is buried in the dust."  So you don't love me anymore?  You don't trust me anymore?  You think we are standing still?  I love that it is all my fault!  I'm growing up and moving forward and you want to reverse all of that work so you can feel good about the fact you refuse to grow up!  Maybe we have an issue with trust but if you don't want to work on it then there is nothing to go back to 'cause it all leads back here.

Don't get me wrong people.  I love this song but it is because Brandon Flowers' voice is amazing.  I was listening to the song on the way in to work today and I started crying because it makes it all seem so easy.  Just go back.  Just rewind and we'll be okay.  That is simply just not the way it works.  If you go back without working on it then you end up right were you are again. 

Not too long ago I told DH, after listening to this song, I love him and when I see him I see the 16-year-old boy I fell in love with but I don't want to be married to that kid.  I love the man I'm married too.  The one that has allowed me to grow and turn into this better person. It is easy to think that if we could just go back then the work would go away but why travel the same road twice?  Don't wish away the person you have now for the one in your memory.  I assure you that person never existed in that way.  Work or don't work but don't think going back is the easy solution. 

 

 

The Way It Way - cira 1998