Friday, February 26, 2010

Guilt

I think guilt is every mom's cross to bare. At first I was thinking it was my good old Catholic guilt just kicking in but this guilt feel different. This guilt hurts and sits on my chest so that I can't breath.
I work all day and Ray stays at home with Audrey. Once I come home I take Audrey and feed her and play with her and in general spend time with her but no amount of hours at night can make up for the daytime hours I am not with her. The time I spend with other people's babies making them the best they can be while my own child grows up without me. I can see why so many women quit working. I'll never get this time back.
I think for the most part I'm okay with it. At least Audrey is with her dad and she is cared for by someone who loves her and thinks she is the best baby in the world. Honestly, Ray could not be a better father. But then my guilt gets replaced with jealousy. Why does he get to have all the fun? She looks for Daddy for comfort. She only sees me as food. It's hard to be away.
I think the guilt is also so bad because I want time to myself but I feel like I'm not entitled to it since I do work outside of the home. How can I possibly deserve time to myself when my baby needs me? I want to take time to go to Target and buy a new nursing tank but I feel guilty for wanting to go without Audrey.
Guilt is a horrible thing. You don't want to talk about it. It's like admitting you are doing something wrong, otherwise why are you feeling guilty? I think I'm also struggling with loneliness. I don't have any physically close best-girlfriends to hang out with and my friends that are close by don't have kids so they probably won't understand and I don't want to be the friend that only talks about their kid. I love Audrey and she is my whole world but sometimes I do long for the big world. Again, that is a horrible thing to say! What mother doesn't want to spend every waking hour with their child? I don't know maybe it's all normal but it sure doesn't feel like it.