Thursday, July 29, 2010

Grief and birth

I lost a good friend yesterday.  She died after having an emergency c-section.  The baby ended up in the NICU but is doing well.  I'm still feeling a bit numb.  I understand that she is gone but I can't concieve a world without her and I'm overcome with saddness for the baby.  She'll never know that wonderful woman that gave birth to her. 

I know that women die during childbirth.  Death is a fact of life.  I've looked at the stats but B was not a number she was a friend.  The numbers, the odds, the facts don't make me feel any better. In fact I think I'm more scared.  I have two friends awaiting babies and now I'm scared they won't make it through. 

DH has decided to become a doula. He is convinced it was a cascade of interventions that killed B.  I don't think we know enough to say.  He has been talking about it since we started our research on birth after we found out we were pregnant and now with B's death he feels that is something he should do to help out women. 

I don't know how to take it all in.  We just had dinner with B and her husband last month as we were moving.  We were talking about raising babies and both of us planning second babies.  Now she's gone.  We now live so far away we can't do anything to help.  I want to help.  I want to feel useful.  I want to feel something besides sad.  Even moving to anger would be good.  That I can work with.  Saddness is daining and I need my strenght to work and more importantly take care of Audrey.

I know life goes on.  I know Baby J will grow up and her daddy will tell her all about her wonderful momma.  Maybe I'll still get a chance to see her sometime.  But it's not fair.  All B wanted to do is watch her daughter grow up and to have more babies and be a good mom.  She would have been a fabulous mom.  I want an explanation.  I want a reason.  I want to blame someone. 

I know God has a plan but I can't see it.  I know things happen for a reason but I don't feel it.  I know but I'm not sure I can accept.