Monday, September 20, 2010

Fear of birth

I have a friend that has entered the anyday now phase of pregnancy.  Well really she's not due for about 5 more weeks but babies have their own plans.  So anyways, I find myself praying for her and fearing the phone call.  I still feel so raw from the shock of B's death, I can't help but to fear the next phone call.  Also in fairness, I also had a friend lose a baby about three weeks ago, which is also still floating around in my head.

You know I had a homebirth.  You know I worry about going to hospital no matter what the cause.  After B's death the fear of birthing in the hospital is so on the surface.  I know K is ready and willing and begging for a c-section.  She also knows quite well my feelings on cutting.  But above all I believe in anyone's choice to birth or not as they please.  I think I've just has the rose-colored glasses removed from my eyes when it come to the hospital birth.  I guess part if just naivety on my part.  I have always felt that good people deserve good things and that God will protect them.  But honest to goodness B was as close to a saint as I had met and she didn't make it thur child birth.  I know good people die.  I know that good vs bad doesn't really matter to death.  So if my faith in fairness is shaken and smaller then what has filled the space and the cracks, fear. 

I love K, much like I did B.  I want to hear/read on her facebook all about the wonderful surgery and how her gallbladder scar and c-section scar make a smiley face.  But I'm afraid I'll be receiving a call from Leann letting me that things are not good.  I'm afraid too for my other friend who will giving birth in the same hospital and with the same practice as B.  That hospital has a reputation for death, especially maternal death.  So I guess all I can do is pray and celebrate and gift like everyone will be there for me to see in the summer when I finally return to Southside Virginia.

Baby J will be a year old, B will not be there.  Baby A will be close to 10 months old, I have faith K will be there to tell me all about the horrible things that Baby A has done.  D will have a 5-month old Baby B and tell me all about how I worry too much and to get advice on breastfeeding a baby with teeth.  A lot can happen between here and there.  I guess I could end up dead, only God knows.  Hopefully we'll be going up there to celebrate a wedding for Leann and a second baby for me.  Only time will tell.