Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I'm not that good a mom

So I read Healing Anaya: Rainbow Day yesterday and I cried, just cried.  How in the world can a person have the strength to do and then share something like that.  She is a much better mom than me.  I was talking to DH about it and he said that sometimes that is part of being a good parent.  "Sometimes letting go is the only way to show your love." 

I think I am a bad parent.  I have to admit I would be selfish.  I can't let go.  How could I ever let go?  I know I shouldn't say that.  If something happened to my Audrey and letting her go was require, I honestly don't think I could.  I would hold on tight and refuse to let go.  I would put me first.  I would be selfish.  I am a bad mother.  I think I would let go eventually but not until well after when I should have.  I don't do selfless well.  It is hard to think that I won't let go.  That I would put me first.  Maybe I wouldn't.  Maybe I would grow up in that moment and realize what I needed to do but I don't think so.  God willing I'll never find out.  God willing most of us will never have to find out. 

I am praying for Anaya's family and the many other families that have to live through things like that.  I know God has a plan and his timing is perfect but we are all human and seeing the bigger picture is hard.  So for all those parents that were selfless and put their child first I send a big virtual hug.  For the ones that have shared their story I send a big thank you for sharing.