Censorship

I did a bad thing. I censored speech. I've censored comments on my Facebook and even on my blog. I try to be open to whatever someone has to say to me but screw them, it's my blog and Facebook, I decide.

With that said, I'm a librarian by trade so censorship is a touchy issue for me. I want people to express themselves. Good, bad, ugly, everyone has the right to express their thoughts. But in a school, I have to censor. I can't let kids call each other "bad" names and I hate to hear them refer to each other as the "F" word. Where does censorship end?

I censor myself alot. I think many things but express few. Sometimes is about other people (good thing to keep to oneself), sometimes its about myself (might should express those so I can change) and sometimes its just conversation I don't dare have (mostly with DH). I try to own whatever I say. I hate it when people hide behind their words. I think blogs are a really good place for it. You can just get on, write what you please, and hide. I try not to hide but I'm sure that I do. Hiding is just so easy these days.

I read lots of "mommy" site and "anti-mommy" sites. I try to keep an open mind when it comes to raising Audrey. She's my first child so I know nothing. I more or less parent on instinct. I didn't really decide to co-sleep, it just happened. There are some hateful anti-homebirth site out there. It's scary to me the hate you can find. People are passionate. I guess it's good that people believe so strongly in things. I've heard it said that there is alot of apathy in the world but I think kids tend to bring out the passion in people.

I'm crunchy but I try to understand creamies too. I know that a homebirth isn't for everyone. Sometimes breastfeeding doesn't work out. Co-sleeping in the wrong situation can be deadly. So I try to be open and understand that other people are different from me. I try not to attack others for what they do or think since I don't want others to do it to me. But it is hard to be nice all the time. Sometimes people just suck. Sometimes I can't help but to think that a person shouldn't have child while other people who would be great parents don't have any children at all.

It's hard to censor. I want to support everyone even the people I don't believe in. But it is so much easier said than done.

Babies and pregnacy talk

So I watched a show a few weeks back about a model becoming a mom. I was struck by one thing she said, "I'm still the same person. The baby didn't change me. I'm still going to do what I did before the baby." Is that possible?

I mean really can you have/adopt/acquire a child and not change anything? Since I gave birth to a child I can only talk from that perspective, I know adoption and fostering are different so I can't say anything about those experiences. So it's not that nothing about me is the same but so much is different. I mean even my body is different. Now I have stretch marks and make milk! I assume that "private area" is different as well. So I'm not the same person physically. At work, I make time to pump. So work life is not the same. At home, I have a baby to take care of so home is definitely not the same! How can anybody have a child and be same after?

Is the baby all I talk about? No, trust me I still bitch about work and things outside of Audrey. But strangely nobody wants to hear that. Before baby people would ask how I was doing now the question is how is the baby. As other mothers warned me, once the baby is here nobody cares how you are doing. While I was pregnant people would ask about the baby and the preparations so the question is do we as mothers get conditioned to talk about the baby by other people or is it just something that we do ourselves?

I have been accused of having nothing to talk about besides the baby. That I'm obsessed with pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding. Yes I am. I've learned a lot about those topics in recent months. It is my current area of research but if I were researching and talking up Slave Era music and talked about it 24/7 would you have a problem with that?

My husband loves to research, he picks a topic and learning everything he can about it. Then he proceeds to teach me about it. While it can be boring to learn about buckeye balls and some kind of condensate, I know that he is excited to learn and to teach so I'm excited to learn and hear him. I don't get in his face and talk about how he's changed and now he's boring. There are people who make their living talking and learning about only one thing, Stephen Hawking comes to mind. People don't get in their faces and tell them they are boring but yet people feel justified in doing that to mothers!

Audrey is my research topic. She is my life's work. Sorry that doesn't fulfill your needs for interesting conversation. But at the same time if you want to know my thoughts on Obama's health care reform then ask me. I also have opinions on Virginia's new governor. I can always talk about Steeler football. And have you watch RuPaul's Drag Race, ask me! Don't blame me when you find the conversation boring, maybe you need to ask more interesting questions.

Mothers aren't boring. We have a research topic that is ALWAYS changing so we always have something new to share. You want to know about other things then ask. I don't always know what is going on in the world outside of Audrey but that doesn't mean I don't care, I just don't have time. Ask, share, and be patient if I'm a little out of date. At least somethings never change. Tiger Woods is still a loving faithful husband and Izzy Stevens is still running the halls of Seattle Grace. Oh wait! I think I heard something on the news about both of those!

1 year since

I have been working on a movie of Audrey for my family. It's been fun to go back over the last year of pictures to see the changes in my life. On Saturday 4/26, was exactly one year that we found out we were pregnant. I still remember that pink plus sign like it was yesterday. I also have a picture of it so I can still look at it! It really doesn't seem that long ago and yet I have a four-month old daughter.

I've also been thinking a lot about the people in my life and out of my life. Audrey's birth has really shaken up my circle of friends. I've been able to reconnect with several college friends thanks to the momma connection. And yet even with a wider circle of friends I feel like I've lost a very important friend along the way. This friend was hurt by my carelessness. I have to admit that my actions weren't fair and were thoughtless. She was newly married and had bought a new house and I should have taken the time to acknowledge it. I know that a simple card was all that I needed but at the same time now that I've had time to process and grieve the lost of friendship I'm kinda glad. I took ownership of the failure and now I'm trying to make sure I don't lose other people that are important to me. I don't think I'll ever get over the attack on my husband, she said he would be a horrible father, nice thing to say to a woman that is 8 months pregnant. But again, if that is how she felt I'm glad she expressed herself rather than continue being my friend and feeling that way. Right?

I miss having friends that are close by. Talking to my best college friend last night reminded me of just how far apart everyone is. The internet makes everything seem close. I have 24hr access to people and yet I don't have anyone to get a pedicure with. It's amazing how lonely I feel sometimes. I'm not overwhelmed by motherhood but I feel physically isolated. I know that I can email with other mommas, I can "chat" with them but I don't have one to just hang with. I'm looking forward to returning to Texas because at least I'll have my family around.

Anyways sorry for the downer of a blog today but it's been on my mind and I just need to write it out.