Total Package

DH is the total package. One thing that has become clear over the last couple of weeks is no one wants to seen as replaceable. If I am only smart then I can be replaced with another smart person. If I am just pretty, there is always another pretty face. If I am the total package, if am I everything that is needed then I am much harder if not impossible to replace.

So DH is the total package. He is irreplaceable to me. There is no one else in this world who can be to me what he is to me. I could find another husband but they would live under DH's shadow. I could try but I would never succeed in finding a replacement. DH is the total package.

I know that that was part of my struggle. When I felt that I was only smart when that was seemingly taken away or tossed aside, I suddenly felt replaceable. I think Archnemesis was right, the important mission of the Hidden Village is to make sure each member knows he/she matters. We are not replaceable. At any giving job, task, relationship, we are or can be replaced. In the Village, no one else can be me. There is only one Martha, aka Wheatless Mama, and I matter.

So I am the total package and DH is my total package. Someday someone will find that Ravebaby is his/her total package. Even if that day never comes, she matters. You who ever you are you matter. If I know you, if we have never met, if all you have ever done is accidentally come across my blog, you matter. Our paths crossed and we are both a little different because of it. DH says each and every interaction marks us and makes a little different if we let it. I know I have strayed from my point, as usual, but the end point is you matter.

50's mindset

I am a strong believer in being open with DH about any interactions I have with any man. He has all of my passwords, open access to my Facebook, twitter, and texts on my phone. Why? Well I was raised that my husband should be the only man with whom I have any level of intimacy. If I have a friendship with a man outside of DH and there is any part that is not completely open then I am fostering a relationship outside of my marriage and that makes me a cheater. DH should be my sole source of male companionship.

I have had guy friends outside of DH but they have never been anything that meant being allow with the dude or private conversations. The only exception to that is The Groom. We were really good friends. We rode to conferences together just the two of us and even hung out at my house without DH there. To some extent The Groom was more of a big brother. The night I was alone with The Groom at my house, DH had basically asked him to hang out with me while he went to fight for a Wii. DH trusted The Groom to keep me safe at a Hootie and the Blowfish concert. I did and do see The Groom as a big brother. However, we never talk on the phone, text or anything like that.

An incident that DH always brings up is the time Discgolfer sat with me at church. I was at the Sunday Spanish mass and Discgolfer did not speak much Spanish and just wanted to have someone to sit with so he came and sat with me. Well I am Mexican. This was a mass full of Mexicans. DH rarely goes to church with me so if a man were to sit with me at mass, the view is he must be my husband, right? Well I came home and told DH about the whole thing and about how it weirded me out and now everyone was going to think Discgolfer was my husband or that I was at church with my lover. Any number of things were just wrong with the whole thing. DH said I was nuts. He is a friend that did not want to sit by himself so he sat with me; end of story.

So you see the crazy 50s idea that I have. Even now Rockerwife and I talk it over all the time, we don't have relationships with men outside of our husbands. It just feels wrong. If we communicate with a man not our husband we immediately go and tell our husbands. We are overly open with any aspect of a relationship outside of our husbands. So I know it is not just me.

DH is calling bullshit and is forcing me out of this mode of thinking. I am under orders to text Archnemesis once a day. One because apparently Archnemesis thinks I hate him and two DH wants me to see that there is nothing wrong with a friendship with a man outside of my husband and that a relationship with a bit of emotional intimacy is actually a good thing. Honestly I am not buying it. I will send the texts since DH is asking me. I don't really understand what I can gain from a friendship with a man that I don't already have with say Rockerwife or Cameragirl?

We've all seen When Harry met Sally. Men and women cannot be friends without eventually having sex, right? My best guy friend was DH, I married him and we have lots of sex. Am I asking for trouble here? DH knows that I purposefully keep male friends at arms length but I go back to Harry and Sally. If I am sharing everything with this person, am I leaving it open to sharing EVERYTHING? I guess the really test is if I start to keep texts secret or have meeting with said man outside of DH's knowledge. I am not the sort of person who goes looking for trouble and while I understand DH's point, making connections is never a bad thing, I can't help but to slip back into the thought that men and women can not be friends without something sexual between them.

I will say that in DH's wisdom, I have been assigned to try this with Archnemesis, who is married to a lady that is fantastic. I mean if you read the blog about my "sexual fantasy" with him, you can tell there is zero chemistry there. So you can't go heating up an ice block and expect a fire. I mean he could have assigned me someone single and therefore open to moving into the realm of sexual. We'll see how is goes.

DH is a firm believer that all connections matter so he wants me to have connections with everyone. In his mind, I am sure, if I keep certain people at bay then I am closing myself off from everyone. If I am closed off to friendships with guys then maybe I am also closed off in part to him. If I am to be open then I need to be open. Yet for some reason, this brings to mind and image of Billy Crystal in bed with Meg Ryan. How open can we be with the opposite sex? If you are hurting and I know that sex would make you feel better, if only for a moment, would it make me a bad friend not to help? Recently on Nashville, we see exactly that. Oh no your brother is dead. You feel bad. I'll fuck you and you can forget and feel better if only for the moment you are inside of my vagina. She is being a good friend, right? I don't want to be that good a friend with anyone.

Maybe I am just a pervert. Maybe I am too old-fashion. Maybe I am just closed off. I don't want to be closed off. I want to be open but I am not sure I want to be emotionally available. I'll try it. I might like it. Maybe this will lead to a whole new level of relationship with DH. One thing I do know, it will make for great blogpost!

DH, shame spiral, doctorate

So it is no secret that for the last few weeks is have been in a shame spiral of sorts, really it was a body image downward spiral. However, the last six days have been nothing but fighting and sex with DH. It has been really difficult but also really good for us. It had been a long time since we had connected so deeply both emotional and physically.

In all of the fighting and fucking, we got to the whole reason I started down the shoot of a downward spiral to begin with. What started it? I am starting a doctorate of educational leadership in June. The start of the issue was his lack of enthusiasm when I got accepted. He was sleeping and I woke him up to tell him. He said oh good and went back to sleep. No hug, no great job, no I never had a doubt. Nothing! This was at the beginning of the Hidden Village Music Festival and once he got up he was out the door to Standpipe, barely a kiss for me and no mention of the doctorate. So why does it matter? He is suppose to be my cheerleader. If he doesn't care, if he is not there to share the success then . . .

I am not saying it makes much sense but since that time I lost all enthusiasm myself about the whole thing. I mean it is not like I get accepted to doctorate programs everyday but it as I'd I had been accepted to high school, just a feeling of oh well that wasn't hard so why do you want a congratulations. I mean this is really the first time I've blogged about the fact that I am going to earn a doctorate!

If you don't know DH, he is amazing. I have always been in awe of his magnetism. I am not magnetic. DH just has an aura that people are drawn to and that is part of what lead to my particular downward spiral about my attractiveness. Women have always thrown themselves at him. I have literally had to push bitches back. But I don't have that come flirt with me aura. I have personality and it only comes out if I know you, otherwise I am pretty shy.

For me I know I am a hard worker. I know I am smart. I know I am strong. When DH didn't make a big deal about the doctorate, which in my opinion is a strong showing of all those things I see in myself, it made me question what do I have to offer. If I'm not that smart or hardworking, if they just take anyone that applies then I am in fact not special. I know I am not the hottest woman in most rooms. In my mind that made me feel like I just plain old don't have anything going for me. If I am nothing then why is DH even with me? Did start dating me because he lost a bet? Is he with me out of pity? See nothing logical in this thinking. Just sharing the internal crazy dialog. It was a cascade of thinking.

DH downplayed my acceptance to the doctorate program. Then I started to notice that people don't really compliment me or flirt with me so then i felt ugly. Here is the problem feeling ugly is comfortable for me. I know this feeling. It is easy for me. I can get pruney in the pool of ugly. I know how to downplay me. I know where all of the body issues are. Once I go there, it can be too comfortable to leave.

Now I feel better. Now that I know how I slipped down then it was easy to climb out. (Good sex helps too.). I am not logical. I am a feeling person. I think the thing for me to remember is to talk it out. Feeling bad is comfortable so I can only get back to good by talking my way back. So I gotta talk more. There is my crazy on full display, go ahead judge and discuss. Me I got a doctorate to prepare for.