Breastfeeding makes me feel like a slut . . .

Okay not really but at the same time yes really. I don't look at clothes the same way. Now I look for clothes that give easy access to my breast. That's kinda slutty, right?
Before baby, I was a pretty shy and usually pretty covered up. I'm not one to show a lot skin. But now I have to have access to my breasts in order to feed my daughter. It's kind of a mind shift. At first I didn't really think about what I was wearing and then I would be stuck with my belly all exposed because the only way to feed Audrey was for me to pull my shirt all the way up. Even now I catch myself pulling on my shirt to see if I can get a boob comfortably out the top.
After some great advice I wear nursing tanks so that even if I have to pull my shirt up I don't feel all exposed. I'm learning the right things to wear.
What I still struggle with is how to nurse in public. There is a part of me that just wants to let it all hang out and just wipe out my boob and feed my daughter and then there is the part of me that is shy and I want to be discreet about it. But then who am I protecting? Audrey needs to eat and people who bottle feed just wipe out the bottle and don't think twice. Why should I care? Everybody has nipples so surely seeing mine won't be a big deal.
Sometime I try to put myself in Audrey's position. Would I like to eat with a blanket on my head? Heck no. So far I have dropped the blanket cover unless I have a bad vibe. For the most part Audrey's head covers my nipple and I usually use the Moby to cover my boob but not her head. I can tell she does much better that way. I'm pretty good at getting her into position without anyone noticing. I'm pretty bad at putting myself back together without anyone noticing. I seem to my boob just hanging out while I get my nursing pad back in place and my tank back together. I'm getting better and I love breastfeeding. I feel like a mother, a good mother. I might not be a great mom in other areas but at least I know I'm meeting my daughter's nutritional needs, even if it does require a walk on the slutty side. :)

Reflection on an answered prayer

This is Holy Week. In case I haven't said it in a past blog post, I'm Catholic. So for me this is a week of church, or really three straight days. I have always loved going to church for the Tridium. I have always connected with these three days of the church year but since last year these three days have a new meaning. It was at Easter last year that my daughter was conceived.
I spent the better part of my time in front of the Holy Eucharist yesterday in tears but good tears. I was thinking about how my life had changed over the last year. I remember that I was also crying last year because I felt hopeful that I was finally going to have a baby. After a three year struggle, we were finally going to see a doctor and work on getting pregnant. We had finally turned it over to God and admitting that maybe we might have an issue with fertility. I remember praying for a baby. I prayed for a baby and a year later I have one. I can almost for sure say that I got pregnant on Holy Saturday of last year.
I"m so grateful for all the changes in my life. It's been hard but I'm glad God that answered this prayer with a baby. I know all my prayers are answered but it felt wonderful to be sitting in front of the Holy Eucharist one year later breast feeding my daughter. I felt like I had come full circle. I don't think I'll ever feel the same way about the Easter Tridium again.
Audrey has been on this Earth just about a year now. I know she's only been breathing about 4 months but she's been here since last Holy Saturday. She's been alive and the answer to my prayer.

My daughter is black and I am not.

In case you didn't know, Audrey is half-Mexican and half-Black. I usually don't notice the whole color thing. My husband and I have been a couple for close to 15 years so you just stop noticing but the other day I was playing on the computer and taking pictures of Audrey and I together and I was struck by the fact that my daughter is black. She will probably be able to "pass" as a black woman without anyone questioning her background. Even with her "Mexican" hair, people will just think she has good black people hair with a perm or the ever famous, she's got some Indian in her family.
The problem I have is I'm not black. How do I raise a strong black woman, when I'm not one? How do I raise my daughter to be proud of her Mexicaness, when she will be able to deny it so easily? I'm lucky to have so many strong black woman in my life, my best friend Hithia is an incredible woman and I know she'll be an excellent role model for Audrey. And my mother-in-law and sister-in-law also can't be beat. But shouldn't learning to be a woman come from me? I know she'll get her raising from me, God willing I'll live to see her grow up but tomorrow isn't promised. But I can't help but to worry that I'll miss something vital. Maybe it has nothing to do with blackness and I'm just worried about being a good mom. I guess time will tell.